EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Doomed boots lead to shoe-shopping in the snowstorm!

Doomed Timberland Boots: File photo (THN)

Esther's Gray Timberland boots, which have resided at The Lair for over 3 years, and travelled to Israel and Long Island, among other notable lands, have unfortunately failed to keep her feet dry today and face banishment from The Lair. Not even one full minute after leaving The Lair this morning did the boots begin to falter, by allowing moisture to seep through near the left inside heel, leading to most unpleasant commute for Esther. As weather conditions worsened throughout the day, Esther was forced to hunt for an immediate replacement. Sadly, the pickings were slim, indeed.

First stop was The Payless Shoe Store on 8th Avenue. Filled to the bring with heels and flip-flops, with nary a boot in site. A store clerk urged her to purchase a pair of mens waterproof boots, but their unsightly appearance, combined with their steep pricetag ($39.99), gave her pause, and she eventually moved on to the next store.

The next store is one of a "wolf in sheeps clothing" ilk...with huge sale signs plastered about to lure the customer in. Once you enter, sales clerks pounce like jackals, hoping to lure you into purchasing a $120 pair of Uggs. Esther balked at the suggestion, citing them as both "very expensive" and "extremely ugly." Once again, the selection overall left something to be desired, and after a full perusal of the premises, which took approximately 40 minutes, Esther left, empty-handed.

She then took a break to buy a slice of pizza from the new $1 pizza place on the corner of 8th Ave and 38th Street. Hot, fresh and delicious!

Last stop was another random shoe store, though smaller, a little further down the road. There were several promising looking pairs displayed, but unfortunately, sizes were in limited supply. Esther tried on a pair of large, fur-trimmed snowboots, but found them unflattering to the foot, as well as cumbersome to walk in. Finally, in desperation, she made an unlikely move by turning to the selection of rubber rainboots...Esther's history with the rubber rain boot is a speckled one. She had owned several pairs, and has found that they are prone to cracking, making the foot sweat profusely, and casting the foot in an unflattering sillouette. However, she lacked the time and the energy to continue on to West 34th Street for more shoe-shopping, so she decided to attempt to give the rubber rain boot another chance. She tried on one pair, a short pair in a size 7. As she removed her boots, one of the sales clerks commented in a snarky manner on the sad state of the Gray Timberland. Slightly perturbed, Esther retorted that she was aware of her shoes' unfortunate condition, which was why she was in shoe store in the middle of a blizzard, looking for new ones. When the rainboots in question proved too small, the other clerk attempted to be helpful by offering up a few suggestions in Esther's size. Esther refused to even try on the boots featuring a wild horse print, a hideous plaid pattern, and a snakeskin print (she resisted the urge to claim the snakeskin in particular as something that would be worn by "an old Russsian lady living in Brighton Beach," but she bit her tongue, as the sales clerk herself looked like she could potentially be of Russian descent, and might have taken the comment the wrong way.) She was about to leave, when the slerk offered up a plain pair of hunter green boots. They did not thrill her, but they were certainly better than wild horses, she she tried them on, and low and behold, they fit...kind of. While they were a bit tight on the leg, and loose in the foot, she decided to buy them anyway, largely because she had spent so much time looking for boots, and would have felt that the time was utterly wasted without some new boots to show for her efforts. They were a little pricier than the proposed budget, at $28 dollars, but she relented, nonetheless, and brought them back to work. Her wet socks are now drying on a radiator, she is walking around barefooted, with plans to wear the new recruits back home to The Lair later tonight.

The Timberland boots, pictured above, were too downtrodden and weary to offer any comments in their own defense. Their fate remains uncertain, and the matter will be brought before The Council during the next general meeting.