TOP STORY: Council meets to schedule their next meeting...

This just in, from The Lair...our associate on the scene confirms that The Council held a secret late night meeting, which concluded at approximately 2:00 am, this morning. The sole purpose of the meeting was the set a day and time for their next meeting, a lengthy one in which they will address a number of looming issues. Unfortunately, The Council was unable to agree as to exactly when this meeting would be held, so they shall meet again tonight, in the hopes of coming to an agreement.

Representative Baron von Dracula issued the following statement:

"The Council recognizes that a formal meeting is long overdue. We hope to come to decision tonight, as to when we will meet, to discuss and argue about several matters that have been on the table, lurking and festering, like a moldy green orange."

We have gotten the inside scoop on a few of the matters that will be broached at this fabled meeting. The Council has yet to decide what punishment awaits Council Member Limited Time Offer Skillet. Head Council Member E has plans to present her proposal regarding the elimination of Mondays from the calendar. The Council also plans to discuss their continued efforts to provide NO ROAST FOR MEOW. This will be especially challenging, as the upcoming Passover festivities are sure to provide more roast than usual, and The Culinary Wing of The Lair will undoubtedly be stocked with roast that Citizen Meow make attempt to stealthily treat himself to, in a moment of weakness and hunger.

The Council has not yet confirmed a time for tonight's meeting, and it's safe to assume that their formal meeting will be scheduled for later this week or early next week. Chances of a weekend meeting are slim, since The Council usually prefers to engage in more leisurely activities on the weekends. However, an emergency weekend/picnic may be declared if no agreement can be reached.

We will keep you posted on this story as it unfolds...

TOP STORY: Head Council Member E to form a coalition to eradicate Mondays

After an unfortunate string of occurences that occurred this morning and afternoon, Head Council Member E has developed a plan to initiate a coalition to official ban Mondays from the calendar. E plans to seek The Council's cooperation on the matter. Although our reporting staff is still piecing together the events that caused this revolutionary decision, so far, we have deduced the following:

1. E wakes up this morning, and it is grim and rainy.
2. she wakes up late, is out of cigarettes, and has no time to make coffee before departing from The Lair for the day
3. The bodega was out of Newports, which caused her to have to cross the street, and wait on an annoying line at the pharmacy, before getting a pack.
4. Of the three Metrocard vending machines at the station, not one of them was accepting credit or debit cards, so she missed her train while trying to scrounge for the change needed to put enough money on her card to pay her fair (it is a well-known fact that E rarely carries cash, since she really doesn't have any, as most of her earning go to maintaining The Lair.)
5. In the city, still raining.
6. Late to work, where an unusually dreary atmosphere lurked about.
7. Vegetable dumplings for lunch came accompanied by a substandard dipping sauce, which tasted suspiciously like soy sauce, instead of the tastier and more vibrant variety of special dumpling sauce.
8. The day is dragging, and an unexplainably urge for home-made apple pie has gone completely unfufilled.

For these reasons, E has decided that Mondays should be completed eliminated from the calendar. She issued the following

"Mondays have traditionally been rife with woe, despair, and bad luck in general. I feel that The Council would be doing the entire universe an incredible service by
spear-heading the coliltion to get rid of Mondays...FORVER!"

The Council has not yet been made away of E's plans, and she has not yet specified when they would be approached. She may wait for the controversy involving Limited Time Offer Skillet to simmer down (ha?) before she broaches The Council with this pressing matter.

It is also unclear as to whether Monday will be replaced by an entirely new day, or if Sunday will be doubled, or essentially repeated, hence resulting in a 7-day week, with 2 Sundays, to be immediately followed by Tuesday.

We welcome our readers thoughts and comments on this controversial matter, and we will provide up-to-the-minute updates on this story, as they become available.

Limited Time Offer Skillet returns to The Lair after extended unauthorized leave!

BREAKING NEWS from The Lair...our reporter reports that Limited Time Offer Skillet has just now returned to The Lair, and all chaos has broken loose, although it appears that no one has noticed his absence up until the moment his attempted to sneak back into Lair Headquarters. There are rumours that Council Member Baron von Dracula has actually moved from his warm cozy spot on the couch in attempt to lunge at LTO. The Skillet has since taken refuge in an undisclosed cabinet of the culinary wing of The Lair, and he offered no comment concerning his disappearance. In order to demonstrate his dismay, Baron von Dracula proceeded to toss some sundry items around The Lair, such as magazines, boxes, papers and shoes. This was done to demonstrate to Head Council Member E that there is general discontentment in the lair, and it has been deemed by The Baron that this drastic act serves as the quickest method of communicating the general discontentment to the Head Council Member, since chances are high that both Baron von Dracula and Lord Dreidel will be napping when Head Council Member E returns to The Lair later this evening. Citizen Meow may be called upon to clean up the mess, once its greater purpose has been accomplished.

The Baron has also summoned Lord Dreidel for an inpromptu meeting concerning the matter, and as of press time, they have yet to emerge from their chambers, which would indicate that they are still discussing the matter at paw. We are currently awaiting a formal statement, from The Council, and a formal meeting has been set for later tonight, where all Council Members will deliberate the fate of Limited Time Offer Skillet.

Hungover Council has yet to notice missing member...

The tension is building as Council Members Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula have yet to notice that Limited Time Offer Skillet (informally known as LTO) has escaped from the culinary wing of The Lair. LTO was last seen partying in the streets with some unidentified revelers. He has not returned to The Lair as of press time.

We have confirmed reports that The Lord and The Baron, as well as Head Council Member E have decided that all Council Matters will be tabled for today, and The Council shall resume activity tomorrow. All parties, in addition to most of our own staff, remain slightly hungover from Wednesday's festivities.

BREAKING NEWS: Limited Time on the lam?? Skillet spotted making merry with roving band of inebriated strangers!!

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that Limited Time Offer Skillet has slipped out of The Lair, completely unannounced, and has joined a band of roving merry-makers coming from The Saint Patricks Day parade! One of our beat reporters has just sent us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTO, which shows Limited Time flanked by several unidentified persons, wearing unusual hats, and lots of green:

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Limited Time Offer Skillet out and about!

Limited Time Offer can be seen in the upper right hand corner. He appears to have acquired a green boa, although it is unclear whether the boa was intentionally acquired by Limited Time as a clever disguise of sorts, or whether it was bestowed upon him by his companions. It appears that some of Limited Time's companions clearly hail from New Jersey, a fact which is certain to dismay The Council at large. Their excitement, and general stance, would indicate that alcoholic libations have been involved in their festivities. It is unclear whether or not Limited Time has indulged in the drink...

Additionally, the fact that Limited Time's venture was completed unsanctioned by The Council may also raise tensions and tails...only time will tell what consequences, if any, await The Skillet.

Limited Time was not approached for comment, as our reporter was too busy trying to figure out where he placed his bottle of Wild Turkey after he snapped this candid photo. When he again directed his attention towards The Skillet, The Skillet had disappeared in the crowd

As of press time, The Council was still puzzling over Limited Time's disappearance. As always, The Headline News will be THE FIRST SOURCE for any updates on this spine-tingling news piece.

TOP STORY: Irish Baron von Dracula?

I can has zinfandel?

Breaking news from The Lair!! Our reporter on the scene just forwarded us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS, which depicts an allegedly inebriated Baron von Dracula. The Baron has supposedly been in the same spot for most of the day, and an empty bottle of Gallow white zinfandel was spotted nearby on the floor.

The Irish Baron

As of press time, Lord Dreidel appears to be attempting to hide the evidence, but he is having difficulty moving the bottle more than a few centimeters, and he was last seen attempting to craftily hide the bottle by covering it with his belly. He is presumably practicing for when Head Council Member E returns home later this evening.


Limited Time Offer Skillet was mysteriously absent from the Culinary Wing of The Lair, and his whereabouts are currently unknown.


We will following this breaking story throughout the day (between drinks, of course.)

TOP STORY: Council peace talks postponed due to lurking grossness within Lair Fridge!

Breaking news from The Lair...it appears that last evening's scheduled peace talks between Head Council Member E and The Council have been POSTPONED INDEFINITELY, due to the insidiously disgusting state of The Lair Fridge. A state of temporary emergency was declared while Lair residents scrambled to address the situation. Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula were standing by, grimly observing the desperate efforts.

The list of casualties includes:

• a bag of butterscotch chips, opened and marked with an expiration date of August, 2009
  
• a bushel of asparagus that had turned pink
  
• two moldy festering artichokes, hidden in a black bag
  
• half an old lemon wrapped in foil
  
• cheesecake from Valentine's Day, also wrapped in foil
  
• a half-eaten container of spreadable port wine wine, which was originally pink, but quickly becoming blue (and gray)
  
• three separate instances of spoiled mozzerella cheese
  
• one moldy pickle (pictured below)

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: The lone moldy pickle!

While The Lair kitchen was temporarily evacuated, during the intial investigation and removal of the insidious lurking grossness, our reporter on the scene claims that the scene has simmered down, and as of this morning, Council Members and Lair residents alike have been permitted to re-enter The Lair Kitchen. The situation was completely rectified early this morning, as the grossness itself, which was contained in white drawstring garbage bag overnight, was disposed of at approximately 9:32am (Eastern Standard Time.)

Limited Time Offer Skillet offered the following quote:

"The stench was unbearable, and the reality of the situation was truly horrifying...I cannot understand how something so terrifying and insidious could lurk unnoticed in my domain for so long."

No word yet on when the talks will be rescheduled, as Head Council Member E will most likely want to allow sufficent time for The Council to emotionally recover from the ordeal.

As of press time, there are no plans for a News-sponsored parade for Citizen Meow.