Limited Time Offer Skillet returns to The Lair after extended unauthorized leave!

BREAKING NEWS from The Lair...our reporter reports that Limited Time Offer Skillet has just now returned to The Lair, and all chaos has broken loose, although it appears that no one has noticed his absence up until the moment his attempted to sneak back into Lair Headquarters. There are rumours that Council Member Baron von Dracula has actually moved from his warm cozy spot on the couch in attempt to lunge at LTO. The Skillet has since taken refuge in an undisclosed cabinet of the culinary wing of The Lair, and he offered no comment concerning his disappearance. In order to demonstrate his dismay, Baron von Dracula proceeded to toss some sundry items around The Lair, such as magazines, boxes, papers and shoes. This was done to demonstrate to Head Council Member E that there is general discontentment in the lair, and it has been deemed by The Baron that this drastic act serves as the quickest method of communicating the general discontentment to the Head Council Member, since chances are high that both Baron von Dracula and Lord Dreidel will be napping when Head Council Member E returns to The Lair later this evening. Citizen Meow may be called upon to clean up the mess, once its greater purpose has been accomplished.

The Baron has also summoned Lord Dreidel for an inpromptu meeting concerning the matter, and as of press time, they have yet to emerge from their chambers, which would indicate that they are still discussing the matter at paw. We are currently awaiting a formal statement, from The Council, and a formal meeting has been set for later tonight, where all Council Members will deliberate the fate of Limited Time Offer Skillet.

Hungover Council has yet to notice missing member...

The tension is building as Council Members Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula have yet to notice that Limited Time Offer Skillet (informally known as LTO) has escaped from the culinary wing of The Lair. LTO was last seen partying in the streets with some unidentified revelers. He has not returned to The Lair as of press time.

We have confirmed reports that The Lord and The Baron, as well as Head Council Member E have decided that all Council Matters will be tabled for today, and The Council shall resume activity tomorrow. All parties, in addition to most of our own staff, remain slightly hungover from Wednesday's festivities.

BREAKING NEWS: Limited Time on the lam?? Skillet spotted making merry with roving band of inebriated strangers!!

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that Limited Time Offer Skillet has slipped out of The Lair, completely unannounced, and has joined a band of roving merry-makers coming from The Saint Patricks Day parade! One of our beat reporters has just sent us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTO, which shows Limited Time flanked by several unidentified persons, wearing unusual hats, and lots of green:

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Limited Time Offer Skillet out and about!

Limited Time Offer can be seen in the upper right hand corner. He appears to have acquired a green boa, although it is unclear whether the boa was intentionally acquired by Limited Time as a clever disguise of sorts, or whether it was bestowed upon him by his companions. It appears that some of Limited Time's companions clearly hail from New Jersey, a fact which is certain to dismay The Council at large. Their excitement, and general stance, would indicate that alcoholic libations have been involved in their festivities. It is unclear whether or not Limited Time has indulged in the drink...

Additionally, the fact that Limited Time's venture was completed unsanctioned by The Council may also raise tensions and tails...only time will tell what consequences, if any, await The Skillet.

Limited Time was not approached for comment, as our reporter was too busy trying to figure out where he placed his bottle of Wild Turkey after he snapped this candid photo. When he again directed his attention towards The Skillet, The Skillet had disappeared in the crowd

As of press time, The Council was still puzzling over Limited Time's disappearance. As always, The Headline News will be THE FIRST SOURCE for any updates on this spine-tingling news piece.

TOP STORY: Irish Baron von Dracula?

I can has zinfandel?

Breaking news from The Lair!! Our reporter on the scene just forwarded us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS, which depicts an allegedly inebriated Baron von Dracula. The Baron has supposedly been in the same spot for most of the day, and an empty bottle of Gallow white zinfandel was spotted nearby on the floor.

The Irish Baron

As of press time, Lord Dreidel appears to be attempting to hide the evidence, but he is having difficulty moving the bottle more than a few centimeters, and he was last seen attempting to craftily hide the bottle by covering it with his belly. He is presumably practicing for when Head Council Member E returns home later this evening.


Limited Time Offer Skillet was mysteriously absent from the Culinary Wing of The Lair, and his whereabouts are currently unknown.


We will following this breaking story throughout the day (between drinks, of course.)

TOP STORY: Council peace talks postponed due to lurking grossness within Lair Fridge!

Breaking news from The Lair...it appears that last evening's scheduled peace talks between Head Council Member E and The Council have been POSTPONED INDEFINITELY, due to the insidiously disgusting state of The Lair Fridge. A state of temporary emergency was declared while Lair residents scrambled to address the situation. Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula were standing by, grimly observing the desperate efforts.

The list of casualties includes:

• a bag of butterscotch chips, opened and marked with an expiration date of August, 2009
  
• a bushel of asparagus that had turned pink
  
• two moldy festering artichokes, hidden in a black bag
  
• half an old lemon wrapped in foil
  
• cheesecake from Valentine's Day, also wrapped in foil
  
• a half-eaten container of spreadable port wine wine, which was originally pink, but quickly becoming blue (and gray)
  
• three separate instances of spoiled mozzerella cheese
  
• one moldy pickle (pictured below)

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: The lone moldy pickle!

While The Lair kitchen was temporarily evacuated, during the intial investigation and removal of the insidious lurking grossness, our reporter on the scene claims that the scene has simmered down, and as of this morning, Council Members and Lair residents alike have been permitted to re-enter The Lair Kitchen. The situation was completely rectified early this morning, as the grossness itself, which was contained in white drawstring garbage bag overnight, was disposed of at approximately 9:32am (Eastern Standard Time.)

Limited Time Offer Skillet offered the following quote:

"The stench was unbearable, and the reality of the situation was truly horrifying...I cannot understand how something so terrifying and insidious could lurk unnoticed in my domain for so long."

No word yet on when the talks will be rescheduled, as Head Council Member E will most likely want to allow sufficent time for The Council to emotionally recover from the ordeal.

As of press time, there are no plans for a News-sponsored parade for Citizen Meow.

BREAKING NEWS: Citizen Meow's probation to be overruled??

Reports have come in that Head Council Member E is in talks to issue a petition to overrule Citizen Meow's probation, due in large part to his impressive contribution to the birthday festivities that took place this past weekend.

For those who have not been following this saga, feel free to peruse our archives, as it is a tale that is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat (if you are sitting in one, that is...). After extensively heated discussions regarding Citizen Meow's loyalty and strength of character, The Council finally decided to allow Citizen Meow to lurk within The Lair under probationary status, although certain members of The Council, who shall not be named, voted to ban him from The Lair, forevermore. This controversy stemmed from a supposed theft, the details of which remain murky and vague. Although relations have been pleasant for the past few weeks, there are reports that Limited Time Offer Skillet has just recently reminded his fellow Council Members Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula that he is keeping his supply of feathers and tar handy "just in case of any missteps." Our reporters seem to agree that the tension between Limited Time and Citizen Meow has been rather long-standing, although nobody seems to know exactly where these tensions stem from.

An unconfirmed report indicates that Head Council Member E has plans to approach The Council this evening, with the hopes of convincing them to formal lift the probation placed upon Citizen Meow. Hopefully, her plans to take a nap will not delay this meeting. We will follow up with a full report tomorrow morning.

TOP STORY: Birthday preparations afoot...

It's that time of year again...this Sunday marks Head Council Member E's birthday, and The Council is preparing for the festvities as we speak. An entire weekend of fun and excitement is planned, and even Citizen Meow has a few surprises up his sleeve (or so we have heard...)

Our reporters have managed to piece together the following intel, as of press time:

Tonight: Lobster dinner in Chelsea, with a possible visit to Trailer Park, an old-time favorite of E's, which she has not been to "in ages."

Saturday: Plans are unknown, although there are reports of a celebratory dinner in store for E.

Sunday: Birthday brunch, lots of mimosas, and an abundance of...PRESENTS!! We hope...

The Council is standing by, to greet E as soon as she gets home tonight with snuggles and purrs.

Is it unknown how old E will be turning, but if you haven't seen her lately, rest assured that she doesn't look a day older than 22.

We will provide a complete follow-up report on Monday.

Happy Birthday E!

Love, The Headline News