Chaos Ensures as Netflix Queue mix-up leads to Nikita delays!

This just in!!

An unfortunately oversight on behalf of Citizen Meow* has resulted in the post-ponement of The Council's scheduled viewing of the final few episodes of the ENTIRE USA SERIES of the famed "La Femme Nikita."

Apparently, the second to last Nikita disc was skipped, and the final disc arrived as The Lair. The Council gathered to watch, and graciously invited Citizen Meow to join the festivities. However, confusion ran rampant once the viewing began. Lord Dreidel himself admitted sheepishly "Even I had no idea what was going on. Which is extremely rare."

Head Council Member Hoots quickly figured out the problem, and made plans to rectify the situation. However, Citizen Meow failed to leave the disc at The Lair, and instead decided to hold it hostage, for reasons unknown. The disc was to be returned to Netflix, in order to received the necessary, second-to-last disc. In the meantime, 2 discs worth of Mad Men episodes arrived, in the appropriate order.

The Council is currently in talks, to decide the appropriate punishment for Citizen Meow's role in the debacle. This may or may not include denying him roast, for the remainder of the calendar year.

ROAST FOR MEOW!

We interrupt out indefinite hiatus to inform our dear readers that TODAY, and TODAY ONLY is the one day out of the entire 365-day calendar year that there will be ROAST for CITIZEN MEOW. Because...it is his birthday!

Happy Birthday Meow!

Regards,

Editor-in-Chief E and the entire Headline News Staff!

MORE MEOW BIRTHDAY NEWS!!!

Greetings, dear readers....we interrupt our indefinite hiatus to bring you some INTENSELY URGENT, GROUND-BREAKING NEWS regarding one Citizen Meow.

Today, May 6th, is Citizen Meow's birthday, and The Council is scrambling to concoct some top-secret surprises for Meow as they recover from their Cinco de Mayo hangovers. The Council has also asked us to kindly warn Meow that his surprise treats may not be ready by the time he returns to Lair 5-I, and to remind him that patience is indeed a virtue.

Additionally, in honor of Citizen Meow's birthday, the famous indie rock trio known as BABINGTON AND THE HOOTS, has released a brand-new track, in honor of The Meow. From what we have been known, THN is THE ONLY media outlet to which this exclusive song has been leaked to. Since we lack the technological capabilities to actually play it (see our previous piece on financial issues), we shall reprint the lyrics here, for one and all to marvel at the lyrical intensity of this awesome little ditty. Additionally, all of us at THN would like to wish Citizen Meow a very HAPPY HAPPY Birthday!!

Birthday Song for Meow

by Babington and The Hoots

copywright May 6, 2010

There will be...

Roast for Meow!

Steak for Meow!

Some champagne for Meow!

There will be kisses for Meow,

and a few presents for Meow!

Some treats for Meow

and sweets for Meow,

maybe an OYSTER for Meow,

or a new toaster for Meow,

I'll make a poster for Meow!

Because The Meow is oh so sweet...

Yes - it's true - he can't be beat!

Unless we're playing Badminton,

where he's really easy to beat.

But since today is Meow's birthday,

the cats will purr and E says yay!

There'll be a great big hug for Meow...

E does a little dance for Meow!

Whatever fills The Meow with glee,

that's what E wants to bring to thee...

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEOW!

You're 29 - no time to frown!

Because you're great and oh so cute.

Yes, indeed, you're quite a hoot.

And I love you so...and I hope you know.

(the end)

A Dark Day in History...The News says FAREWELL

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the folding of The Headline News. Due to a dip in readership, our financial sponsors have pulled out, and we can no longer afford to keep our staff working around the clock, to deliver the ground-breaking news that our readers have become so accustomed to. Unfortunately, our readers will now to have to find another source to keep them updated on the wheelings and dealings of E, Citizen Meow and The Council. We realize that there are very few media outlets that are as devoted to these topics as THN, but sadly, we cannot venture forth, unless a generous donation is presented, in order to provide the much-needed funds to off-set our staffing and publication costs.

We will issue our final report on Monday, to wrap up the stories we have been following, but we would now like to take a moment to invite our readers to share their thoughts and fond memories of The News...we are open to all comments and letters. Do not shy away, as you may never again have an opportunity to let us know how you truly feel about The Headline News.

Farewell...for now,
The Editor-in-Chief

TOP STORY: "Gigantic" Fruit Salad steps in as last lunch of Passover 2010...

GIGANTIC FRUIT SALAD! (THN Beat Reporter)

A "gigantic" fruit salad, straight from the Culinary Wing of Lair is just moments away from being eaten for lunch by Head Council Member E. The fruit salad is question was prepared last evening by E, and consists of 1 plum, 1 mango, several green grapes, 1 Bosch pear and one unusually large Granny Smith apple. Our beat reporter managed to snap the above EXCLUSIVE PHOTO, in which the salad is posing next to a bottle of White-Out, to offer the viewer perspective on its looming and massive size. E issued the following statement, in reference to the fruit salad:

"It's huge. GIGANTIC. I don't know what I'm going to do with
all of it...it's just so...intimidating. Meep."

This salad serves as the final lunch of the Passover strech of 2010. E also mentioned that she is especially looking forward to ending the Passover stretch this evening by feasting on some high-end bread pudding with an unnamed companion.

Please look forward to our follow-up report regarding the fruit salad later this afternoon.

TOP STORY: NO-ROAST-FOR-MEOW Party?

First, there was the Tea Party, then, the Coffee Party, and now...The No-Roast-for-Meow Party?

The Headline News has received an insider tip, regarding the formation of The No-Roast-For-Meow Party. The Party is apparently plotting its initial meeting, and its leader, who remains unknown, is currently drawing up The Party's mission statement.

We have no further details on the matter, but if there is indeed any sort of party going on, we hope to be invited.

No word yet from Head Council Member E, The Council or Citizen Meow regarding their thoughts on the formation of The NRFMP (No-Roast-for-Meow Party.)

We will provide breaking coverage of this story as it unfolds.

TOP STORY: Lord Dreidel assumes a Baron von Dracula-like position!

Breaking news from The Lair!! Lord Dreidel assumed an unusual position, very similar to the trade-marked poses of his fellow Council Member Baron von Dracula. All Council Members were left utterly speechless by this rare display. Our reporter on the scene broke the silence by snapping the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTO:

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Lord Dreidel assumes an unusual position!

This occurred at approximately 9:15am this morning, shortly before Head Council Member E was scheduled to leave The Lair. No formal statements were issued, and Lord Dreidel offered no information as to what inspired the unusual pose. As of press time, Lord Dreidel had returned to his usual position, curled up near his post, and is rumored to be engaging in his 3rd nap of the day.

TOP STORY: Council plans spectacular birthday gift for Citizen Meow!

An emerging report indicates that The Council is planning a spectacular and extravagant gift for Citizen Meow's upcoming birthday...Head Council Member E came across the following the gift, and she plans to propose its purchase to The Council at its next scheduled meeting.

The gift, which is pictured below, is a bean bag chair shaped like a sleeping bear. E is certain that Citizen Meow will be quite pleased and impressed with the bear, which will prove to be rather useful in his currently couchless lair.

E issued the following statement:

"This is indeed the perfect gift for Meow...I am certain that he was not even aware of its existence! I hope he likes it. And I hope that The Council is willing to help me purchase it, despite strained relations between Citizen Meow and Limited Time Offer Skillet."

Whether or not The Council agrees to the purchase remains to be seen...behold, THE BEAR (below.)

TOP STORY: Roast for Meow!?!

Could it be????

The Passover holiday brought an incredible treat for the infamous Citizen Meow last night, as he finally indulged in some roast at a traditional Passover seder. The roast was brisket, which was painstakingly prepared by Head Council Member E, over the course of Sunday evening and into Monday morning. Although E was no planning to offer Citizen Meow some roast, he took the liberty of indulging in the roast, while E was distracted by general Seder activity and preparations. The roast was the talk of the evening, though no formal statement has yet been issued by Citizen Meow, regarding The Roast. E is planning more roasts for the coming week, and maintains that she will do her best to keep to her tried and true "no roast for Meow" mantra.

The Council did not attend the first night seder, for mysterious reasons that have not yet been divulged. However, Limited Time Offer Skillet did express regret and disappointment once he was given the news that Citizen Meow had indeed had some roast. He offered the following statement, before retiring to his cabinet:

"This is a dark day, not just for The Council, but for all of humanity. If we can no longer stand by our rallying cry of 'NO ROAST FOR MEOW', then can we stand by anything?"

The other Council Members were not immediately available for comment. We will continue to follow this tasty and juicy story, as it unfolds.

Cigarette bummers run rampant as E is approached for a cigarette TWICE in the span of an hour across 2 boroughs!!

In an unusual turn of events, E was approached this morning, not once, but TWICE, by strangers requesting cigarettes on the street. The first incident occurred on Lincoln Road, at approximately 9:44 am, when a middle-aged woman, who often wanders the block, approached her while she was smoking on a bench in front of the local coffee shop. Although E had a mostly full pack, she anticipated a long evening of drinking and socializing, so she told the woman that she was smoking her last one. Once in Manhattan, she was approached yet again, on a street corner, at approximately 10:29 am. This time, the culprit was a woman who appeared to be in her mid to late 20s, wearing a knit cap. Again, E politely stated that she was smoking her last cigarette, and continued on her way. E offered the following the statement to our reporter on the scene:

"I don't know if people realize how expensive cigarettes are these days...I used to believe in karma, and would give cigarettes out more freely, but my economic situation has put me in a far more precariously position. Although I feel bad about lying about the status of my my pack, I feel that it is far more polite to say that I am smoking the last one, then to offer a flat-out 'NO - go away.' By the same token, I myself have not attempted to bum a cigarette from a stranger in a really long time. The urge is there, believe me - but I have resisted the temptation. I have considered petitioning The Council to assist me in lobbying for a decrease in the cost of the cigarettes, but I realize that we have bigger fish to fry for the foreseeable future. Additionally, I am shocked that I was approached both in Brooklyn and in the city. The plight of the smoker is something that few people truly recognize...why can't I smoke my cigarette in peace? Is that too much to ask? Is it?"

While our reporter assumed that E's question was one of a rhetorical nature, hee questioning gaze prompted him to thank her for the quote, and to scurry off around the corner of 7th Avenue and 38th Street.

The Council has issued no formal statement on the matter, and we have received no additional reports of cigarette bummers in the immediate vicinity.

TOP STORY: Scandal afoot as Citizen Meow attempts to sway Head Council Member E!

Dangerous liasions appear to be brewing over at The Lair on this seasonable Thursday...we have received reports that Citizen Meow and Head Council Member E was spotted last evening at a local sushi restaurant. The intention of this meeting was not immediately made clear, although based on our sources, it appears to be recreational, and our source notes that a several vats of hot sake were merrily consumed...could Citizen Meow be plotting to win The Council's favor by wining and dining Head Council Member E???

And the plot thickens....Tails were left wagging as Citizen Meow returned to The Lair after the meal, and proceeded to spend the night. Council relations this morning were rather terse, due to the fact that this unexpected visit prevented The Council from engaging in a meeting, which has been continually postponed since early this week. Citizen Meow offered no comment as he briskly left The Lair early this morning.

Our reporters remain staked out at The Lair, and we will follow-up with more details, as they become available.

TOP STORY: Council meeting derailed by bread-baking!

A shocking development in our on-going coverage involving The Council's scheduled meeting last evening...it appears that the meeting was once again postponed, due to Head Council Member E's attempt to bake a loaf of bread. The loaf in question took much longer than originally anticipated, and E was so thoroughly exhausted from her efforts that she retired shortly after the loaf emerged from the oven. Our reporter on the scene managed to cleverly snap the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTO early this morning:

The Culprit! (homemade bread)

The bread in question is a homemade loaf, with sun-dried tomato and asiago and parmesan cheese. Head Council Member E has confirmed plans to eat some of the bread later this evening, when she returns to The Lair.

Our reporter reports that Council Members Baron von Dracula and Lord Dreidel spent most of the evening at rest while waiting for the meeting that never transpired. Baron von Dracula briefly took position perched on the couch, in anticipation of the meeting, but as the night wore on, he retired to his cushion, where he assumed an unusual position, and took a nap. Limited Time Offer Skillet was not seen, and it is assumed that he remains in hiding, presumably in The Culinary Wing of The Lair.

Baron von Dracula waits, in vain...

No Council Members were available for comment, and no statement has been issued as to when the meeting will be rescheduled. It is also uncertain at this time whether or not there will be any bread for Citizen Meow.

BREAKING NEWS: Statement from The Council...

In response to a reader comment, The Council has just issued the following statement:

"In addition to NO ROAST FOR MEOW, there will also be no steak for Meow and NO PARADE FOR MEOW. We will not 'provide no roast.' There will simply BE no roast. For Meow. FOREVER."

Wow...it sounds like The Council means business...Is another round of probation on the horizon for ole' Citizen Meow? Stay tuned...

TOP STORY: Council meets to schedule their next meeting...

This just in, from The Lair...our associate on the scene confirms that The Council held a secret late night meeting, which concluded at approximately 2:00 am, this morning. The sole purpose of the meeting was the set a day and time for their next meeting, a lengthy one in which they will address a number of looming issues. Unfortunately, The Council was unable to agree as to exactly when this meeting would be held, so they shall meet again tonight, in the hopes of coming to an agreement.

Representative Baron von Dracula issued the following statement:

"The Council recognizes that a formal meeting is long overdue. We hope to come to decision tonight, as to when we will meet, to discuss and argue about several matters that have been on the table, lurking and festering, like a moldy green orange."

We have gotten the inside scoop on a few of the matters that will be broached at this fabled meeting. The Council has yet to decide what punishment awaits Council Member Limited Time Offer Skillet. Head Council Member E has plans to present her proposal regarding the elimination of Mondays from the calendar. The Council also plans to discuss their continued efforts to provide NO ROAST FOR MEOW. This will be especially challenging, as the upcoming Passover festivities are sure to provide more roast than usual, and The Culinary Wing of The Lair will undoubtedly be stocked with roast that Citizen Meow make attempt to stealthily treat himself to, in a moment of weakness and hunger.

The Council has not yet confirmed a time for tonight's meeting, and it's safe to assume that their formal meeting will be scheduled for later this week or early next week. Chances of a weekend meeting are slim, since The Council usually prefers to engage in more leisurely activities on the weekends. However, an emergency weekend/picnic may be declared if no agreement can be reached.

We will keep you posted on this story as it unfolds...

TOP STORY: Head Council Member E to form a coalition to eradicate Mondays

After an unfortunate string of occurences that occurred this morning and afternoon, Head Council Member E has developed a plan to initiate a coalition to official ban Mondays from the calendar. E plans to seek The Council's cooperation on the matter. Although our reporting staff is still piecing together the events that caused this revolutionary decision, so far, we have deduced the following:

1. E wakes up this morning, and it is grim and rainy.
2. she wakes up late, is out of cigarettes, and has no time to make coffee before departing from The Lair for the day
3. The bodega was out of Newports, which caused her to have to cross the street, and wait on an annoying line at the pharmacy, before getting a pack.
4. Of the three Metrocard vending machines at the station, not one of them was accepting credit or debit cards, so she missed her train while trying to scrounge for the change needed to put enough money on her card to pay her fair (it is a well-known fact that E rarely carries cash, since she really doesn't have any, as most of her earning go to maintaining The Lair.)
5. In the city, still raining.
6. Late to work, where an unusually dreary atmosphere lurked about.
7. Vegetable dumplings for lunch came accompanied by a substandard dipping sauce, which tasted suspiciously like soy sauce, instead of the tastier and more vibrant variety of special dumpling sauce.
8. The day is dragging, and an unexplainably urge for home-made apple pie has gone completely unfufilled.

For these reasons, E has decided that Mondays should be completed eliminated from the calendar. She issued the following

"Mondays have traditionally been rife with woe, despair, and bad luck in general. I feel that The Council would be doing the entire universe an incredible service by
spear-heading the coliltion to get rid of Mondays...FORVER!"

The Council has not yet been made away of E's plans, and she has not yet specified when they would be approached. She may wait for the controversy involving Limited Time Offer Skillet to simmer down (ha?) before she broaches The Council with this pressing matter.

It is also unclear as to whether Monday will be replaced by an entirely new day, or if Sunday will be doubled, or essentially repeated, hence resulting in a 7-day week, with 2 Sundays, to be immediately followed by Tuesday.

We welcome our readers thoughts and comments on this controversial matter, and we will provide up-to-the-minute updates on this story, as they become available.

Limited Time Offer Skillet returns to The Lair after extended unauthorized leave!

BREAKING NEWS from The Lair...our reporter reports that Limited Time Offer Skillet has just now returned to The Lair, and all chaos has broken loose, although it appears that no one has noticed his absence up until the moment his attempted to sneak back into Lair Headquarters. There are rumours that Council Member Baron von Dracula has actually moved from his warm cozy spot on the couch in attempt to lunge at LTO. The Skillet has since taken refuge in an undisclosed cabinet of the culinary wing of The Lair, and he offered no comment concerning his disappearance. In order to demonstrate his dismay, Baron von Dracula proceeded to toss some sundry items around The Lair, such as magazines, boxes, papers and shoes. This was done to demonstrate to Head Council Member E that there is general discontentment in the lair, and it has been deemed by The Baron that this drastic act serves as the quickest method of communicating the general discontentment to the Head Council Member, since chances are high that both Baron von Dracula and Lord Dreidel will be napping when Head Council Member E returns to The Lair later this evening. Citizen Meow may be called upon to clean up the mess, once its greater purpose has been accomplished.

The Baron has also summoned Lord Dreidel for an inpromptu meeting concerning the matter, and as of press time, they have yet to emerge from their chambers, which would indicate that they are still discussing the matter at paw. We are currently awaiting a formal statement, from The Council, and a formal meeting has been set for later tonight, where all Council Members will deliberate the fate of Limited Time Offer Skillet.

Hungover Council has yet to notice missing member...

The tension is building as Council Members Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula have yet to notice that Limited Time Offer Skillet (informally known as LTO) has escaped from the culinary wing of The Lair. LTO was last seen partying in the streets with some unidentified revelers. He has not returned to The Lair as of press time.

We have confirmed reports that The Lord and The Baron, as well as Head Council Member E have decided that all Council Matters will be tabled for today, and The Council shall resume activity tomorrow. All parties, in addition to most of our own staff, remain slightly hungover from Wednesday's festivities.

BREAKING NEWS: Limited Time on the lam?? Skillet spotted making merry with roving band of inebriated strangers!!

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that Limited Time Offer Skillet has slipped out of The Lair, completely unannounced, and has joined a band of roving merry-makers coming from The Saint Patricks Day parade! One of our beat reporters has just sent us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTO, which shows Limited Time flanked by several unidentified persons, wearing unusual hats, and lots of green:

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Limited Time Offer Skillet out and about!

Limited Time Offer can be seen in the upper right hand corner. He appears to have acquired a green boa, although it is unclear whether the boa was intentionally acquired by Limited Time as a clever disguise of sorts, or whether it was bestowed upon him by his companions. It appears that some of Limited Time's companions clearly hail from New Jersey, a fact which is certain to dismay The Council at large. Their excitement, and general stance, would indicate that alcoholic libations have been involved in their festivities. It is unclear whether or not Limited Time has indulged in the drink...

Additionally, the fact that Limited Time's venture was completed unsanctioned by The Council may also raise tensions and tails...only time will tell what consequences, if any, await The Skillet.

Limited Time was not approached for comment, as our reporter was too busy trying to figure out where he placed his bottle of Wild Turkey after he snapped this candid photo. When he again directed his attention towards The Skillet, The Skillet had disappeared in the crowd

As of press time, The Council was still puzzling over Limited Time's disappearance. As always, The Headline News will be THE FIRST SOURCE for any updates on this spine-tingling news piece.

TOP STORY: Irish Baron von Dracula?

I can has zinfandel?

Breaking news from The Lair!! Our reporter on the scene just forwarded us the following EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS, which depicts an allegedly inebriated Baron von Dracula. The Baron has supposedly been in the same spot for most of the day, and an empty bottle of Gallow white zinfandel was spotted nearby on the floor.

The Irish Baron

As of press time, Lord Dreidel appears to be attempting to hide the evidence, but he is having difficulty moving the bottle more than a few centimeters, and he was last seen attempting to craftily hide the bottle by covering it with his belly. He is presumably practicing for when Head Council Member E returns home later this evening.


Limited Time Offer Skillet was mysteriously absent from the Culinary Wing of The Lair, and his whereabouts are currently unknown.


We will following this breaking story throughout the day (between drinks, of course.)

TOP STORY: Council peace talks postponed due to lurking grossness within Lair Fridge!

Breaking news from The Lair...it appears that last evening's scheduled peace talks between Head Council Member E and The Council have been POSTPONED INDEFINITELY, due to the insidiously disgusting state of The Lair Fridge. A state of temporary emergency was declared while Lair residents scrambled to address the situation. Lord Dreidel and Baron von Dracula were standing by, grimly observing the desperate efforts.

The list of casualties includes:

• a bag of butterscotch chips, opened and marked with an expiration date of August, 2009
  
• a bushel of asparagus that had turned pink
  
• two moldy festering artichokes, hidden in a black bag
  
• half an old lemon wrapped in foil
  
• cheesecake from Valentine's Day, also wrapped in foil
  
• a half-eaten container of spreadable port wine wine, which was originally pink, but quickly becoming blue (and gray)
  
• three separate instances of spoiled mozzerella cheese
  
• one moldy pickle (pictured below)

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: The lone moldy pickle!

While The Lair kitchen was temporarily evacuated, during the intial investigation and removal of the insidious lurking grossness, our reporter on the scene claims that the scene has simmered down, and as of this morning, Council Members and Lair residents alike have been permitted to re-enter The Lair Kitchen. The situation was completely rectified early this morning, as the grossness itself, which was contained in white drawstring garbage bag overnight, was disposed of at approximately 9:32am (Eastern Standard Time.)

Limited Time Offer Skillet offered the following quote:

"The stench was unbearable, and the reality of the situation was truly horrifying...I cannot understand how something so terrifying and insidious could lurk unnoticed in my domain for so long."

No word yet on when the talks will be rescheduled, as Head Council Member E will most likely want to allow sufficent time for The Council to emotionally recover from the ordeal.

As of press time, there are no plans for a News-sponsored parade for Citizen Meow.